10 reasons why some people can't let go of their ex (2023)

FAQs

Why some people can't let go of their ex? ›

There are many reasons why people hurt themselves this way. They might feel they have no other place to go. Or they feel they will never find someone so right for them again. Perhaps they choose partners who can never love them the same way in return, and yet can't accept that finality.

Personality characteristics and behaviors associated with the inability to let go include innate insecurity and childhood abandonment trauma. By understanding why this happens, many people can learn to choose better partners or become more resilient for when loss is inevitable.

There are many reasons why we reminisce about a past relationship. It may be loneliness, it may have been a messy break up with unanswered questions, or – if you're in a new relationship – there may be an element of being underwhelmed, and fantasising about an ex as an outlet.

Sometimes, people are still thinking about their Ex for months, or even years after the relationship ended because of lingering insecurities or comparisons they're making — even subconsciously. This is often true when your Ex has moved on before you have.

Is your ex persistently reaching out, asking for help, or just generally trying to maintain contact? According to Page, this is a good indicator that they're not over you. "They may be over you in terms of the romantic relationship," he adds, "but still need and want all the things you can give them."

"If you still love an ex, that is normal and OK. It just means that you are processing the many emotions that come with being in a relationship," says Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, Psychologist, and Hope for Depression Research Foundation's Media Advisor. Of course, it may feel as though your entire world is over.

Low self-esteem

“It's that fear that you're never going to find anybody again and it's a major fear,” Tebb says. “And it's scary getting back out there, especially if you've been in a long-term relationship.” And because people are comfortable with the familiar, it makes it all that much harder to let go.

Why am I having obsessive thoughts about my ex? ›

You may be having these feelings due to something else, such as nostalgia. You may love the person you used to be, or love them for who they were. Other times, you have a personality that makes you obsessed. If you do want your ex back, and the feeling is mutual, then perhaps it's time to get back together.

You haven't released yourself from the relationship. There may have been some unresolved issue that caused the break-up or you're still grieving the relationship and you may feel that you never really got closure.

While there may be an abundance of things you are grateful for in your current relationship, there will always be something you long for from your past relationship, especially when it's missing in your present relationship. This is probably why you miss your ex and the things he/she did for you.

"In light of this fact, what prevents people from moving on from their ex is the pain and loss that comes from disconnecting with the one they had an emotional bond with. If the pain and loss is not acknowledged and processed it stays within that person and never goes away."

Put simply, one of the main reasons you're not letting go of a past relationship is because you're lonely right now, said Erika Ettin, a relationship coach and founder of A Little Nudge. "Rather than pining over someone who wasn't right for you, focus on yourself," she said.

When months, or even years, have passed and the memory of a past romantic rejection still stings, it may be because you believe the breakup revealed something about who you are as a person. “I'm difficult.” “I'm too structured.”

“In many instances, people feel those love-like feelings for quite some time after a breakup. This can vary widely depending on the person, their circumstances and personal history. Some people may just need days or weeks whereas others may take months or years to move on from an ex.”

There are many reasons why relationships end, but it doesn't mean the feelings for that person always end, especially if it was true love. It is completely normal to love an ex still after the relationship is over. For many people, it can be hard to move on from real love.

If he avoids seeing you at all costs even though it is important, it is one of the signs he is heartbroken over you. He knows that when he sees you, the memories will come flooding, and it might be too much for him to handle. Also, he would ensure avoiding places where you are likely to show up.

They go out of their way to contact them. "If someone makes excuses to reach out or bump into their ex long after the relationship has ended it's likely that they are not over them," Cullins said. "They may be looking for closure or to reconnect, but in either case they are still drawn to their ex."

How do you know if your ex still cares? ›

We feel they love us even though they treat us badly. This contradiction is known as cognitive dissonance, where we believe two contradictory thoughts at the same time. As a result of the contradiction we can become more extreme in our thoughts and behaviours as we wrestle with the disconnect.

Being in love creates disruptions in your brain chemistry that increase dopamine, the chemical responsible for making you feel euphorically good anytime you're around your ex. Your brain is hard-wired to enjoy the feeling of dopamine, so it releases even more every time you think about your partner.

"It can take anywhere from six weeks to three months to forever, depending on how intense the relationship was, how invested you were in each other, and how heartbroken you are," says Jane Greer, PhD, New York-based marriage and family therapist and author of What About Me? (Those three factors all sort of piggyback on ...

There is no fixed timeline on how long you will miss your ex for. Also note that you might feel better on some days, and you might not feel as good on other days – this is all part of the healing process.

Why do exes come back after many years? ›

What Makes An Ex Come Back? Your ex might return for various reasons. For example, they could miss you, still feel in love, or want to work on the conflicts that ended the relationship. In other cases, they might feel lonely, don't want to take responsibility for their actions, or feel the breakup wasn't permanent.

Trauma or experiences in childhood that lead to an insecure attachment style may lead to fear of abandonment. People with a fear of abandonment may develop obsessive tendencies. People may be fearful to be alone and they may make threats or take impulsive actions in order to prevent a partner from leaving.

While having the occasional thought about your ex is absolutely normal, it's important to pay attention to how these thoughts impact your life and your emotions and to know when it's time for concern.

I'm here to tell you: It is HIGHLY unlikely that your ex will forget about you. Unless they experience a head injury that causes them to lose their memory, they are not going to forget you.

People who struggle to let go of specific events from the past may have experienced trauma. Trauma is a kind of psychological wound that can result from any distressing experience, such as loss, danger, or deep embarrassment. Often, people associate trauma with being involved in a violent event, such as war.

How do you know when someone isn't over their ex? ›

They go out of their way to contact them. "If someone makes excuses to reach out or bump into their ex long after the relationship has ended it's likely that they are not over them," Cullins said. "They may be looking for closure or to reconnect, but in either case they are still drawn to their ex."

Fear of being alone – Narcissists are skilled at destroying their partner's social circles and relationships with family members. The prospect of leaving may equate to a feeling of being truly alone; Fear of reprisals – The narcissist may have created a culture of fear and anxiety in their partner's life.

Research finds that 40-50 percent of people have reunited with an ex to start a new relationship. On-again relationships tend to suffer lower relationship quality and worse functioning than never-broken relationships. People often resume relationships with ex-partners because of lingering feelings.

Over several decades, researchers have shown remembering your past is fundamental to being human, and has four important roles. Our personal memories give us a sense of continuity — the same person (or sense of self) moving through time. They provide important details of who we are and who we would like to be.

If you really struggle to let things go and constantly feel the need to try and untangle old thoughts and feelings, then it sounds like you might be suffering from rumination.

They bring up the past.

Sullivan explained that an ex reminiscing about the past is usually another sign they're wanting to try things again. Casually mentioning a memory the two of you shared or something you experienced together is their way of reminding you of the good times you had.

Yes, guys miss their ex after a breakup. Who doesn't? Unless he was never emotionally attached to his ex, it's hardly impossible for a guy not to miss his ex. Relationships are full of memories, events, feelings, emotions, happiness, disagreements, and everything in life.

A recent study found that while break-ups take a more immediate emotional toll on women, men often "never fully recover — they simply move on." I consulted a few mental health and relationship experts to learn more.

How many exes get back together. According to much research, about 40 to 50 percent of couples get back together after a breakup. While this is positive, many factors determine the chances of getting back together after a breakup.